A PAST UNTOLD an eva fic by flori-dono

DISCLAIMERS: Neon Genesis Evangelion and all characters are owned by Gainax. I 
merely borrowed them and the story line for the sole purpose of getting rid of 
boredom through fanfic writing. I'm a college freshie who is constantly broke, 
so you won't get any money out of suing me. And I'm sure my parents would kill 
me if they'd hear of any subpoena hounding my back.   

***
I was bored. I just sat there on one of the stools behind the bar, swirling the 
translucent brown liquid in my glass with my finger. The bright neon lights hurt 
my eyes and the loud pulsating beat of dance music made my head ache. 

I looked around, I could see that everybody seemed to be enjoying himself or 
herself. I guess I was the only gloomy person there. Going stag wasn't a bad 
idea if I had brought a friend. But I couldn't convince Ritsuko to accompany me. 
She didn't like crowded places she said. I told her to get a life. 

"Hey, what's a nice babe like you doing in a place like this?" a deep voice 
coming from behind me said.

I rolled my eyes. If a guy is judged by his pick-up lines, this one didn't even 
have a chance! 

I turned my head, half expecting a three-eyed-no-brain freak. But instead, I 
came face to face with Ryouji Kaji. 

I've seen him before around the campus. Rumors said that he was a skirt-
collector. And I've seen enough proofs too, every week I would see him with 
different girls. For example two weeks ago, he was dating a redhead. A week ago 
it was a blonde and this week, don't tell me he's going for one with hair that's 
neither blue or black but both? 

He's a looker, I could grant him that. Though I thought he needed a little 
shave. 

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Misato Katsuragi right?" he asked, sitting down on the stool beside me. 

"Did I tell you my name?" I said, flipping my hair over my shoulders. "I'm sure 
I didn't."

I thought it was an enough 'no' for him, but boy, was he persistent.

His laughter followed my remark, which irritated me. I never liked men really, 
and if there was a chance to humiliate them I would take it. But this was the 
only time that I've never been in control and that fact annoyed me as hell. 

"You don't like me much do you?" 

"Wow! A hundred points for you, Mr. Ryouji Kaji!" I said mockingly, clapping my 
hands.

"Well so you know my name, been keeping up with the rumors I see," he said.

I flushed but then ignored him.

Suddenly, he took the liquor glass from me. He sipped from it. I watched as the 
brandy moistened his lips. 

He smiled. It was a lopsided one. 

"Want to taste it?" he whispered. "You can, all you need is ask."

That was it, the proverbial final straw. I stood up, took the glass from him, 
and hurled its contents to his face.

"You think all women consider you the sexiest male alive do you?" I screamed. 
"Well this one doesn't so live with that fact!"

It was silent all of a sudden. I felt all eyes drawn to us. The music seemed 
faint and the lights seemed not to flicker. My chest heaved with my outburst. I 
thought I had won this round but I was wrong.

He got up too, dripping wet and all. He came close to me. I couldn't move, my 
feet seemed glued to the spot. I guess I was waiting in breathless anticipation 
for what he would do next. And then...

And then he kissed me.

He kissed me in front of everybody. It was not a long one but enough for me to 
have a taste of him. 

He ended that kiss then patted my cheek.

"I have no doubts about it," he said then walked away.

People were hooting and throwing in catcalls. I clenched my fists, tears forming 
in my eyes. I was never so humiliated in my entire life! I looked at everybody; 
some of the men there were gloating. I could recognize them as the ones I dumped 
before. I realized that they felt glad upon seeing me like that. It was revenge 
for them. I couldn't stand anymore of this. I mustered all the courage I had and 
walked away, but not before stopping in front of Kaji.

"I'm glad," I said then slapped him with all my might.

I left the off-campus club. I got in my car and revved it up. I drove as fast as 
I could. But come to think of it, what I did was dumb. I mean, I got riled up 
easily. Even if I look at it in different angles, the fact is I over-reacted. 
Boy, he must be laughing now!

I've never badly wanted to be home. When I got there, I took off my clothes and 
donned my pajamas on.   

I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. But all I could think about was Kaji 
and his kiss. 

"Damn you!" I yelled at the darkness.

*** 
I slumped down on one of the chairs in a nearby diner, coffee mug in hand. It 
was a late Saturday morning. I felt grumpy, really grumpy. I didn't sleep at 
all. Every time I tried to close my eyes, I could see that monster's face. 

I sipped at my coffee. It was scalding hot and it burned my mouth and throat, 
but I relished the pain. Maybe I was just being masochistic but I'd rather burn 
myself than let my mind wander off again.  

"Hey!"

Suddenly, my brainy friend Ritsuko appeared before me. I eyed her.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, kicking the leg of the chair in front of me, 
so she could sit there.

"I know you don't cook breakfast," she said, ordering a sandwich and a glass of 
juice. 

I rolled my eyes. Yep, she knew me all right. I guess I was really tired, so I 
didn't speak. We were both silent until she got her order, and began to eat.

"Heard what happened last night," she said as she munched on her food.

I frowned. 

"Who told you?" I demanded.

"You don't live in a dorm." she answered matter-of-factly.

"Yeah," I snickered. "I forgot."

I sighed, placing down the mug on the table. 

"So, you really crashed playboy Kaji down to earth, huh?" 

"Yeah," I said shrugging my shoulders, still not looking at her. My friend and 
me share both sentiments about guys, although we act differently about it. I 
would flirt with them shamelessly then leave them high and dry, while she, she 
would just ignore them completely.  

Somehow I felt guilty. Okay, I hate the guy's guts but... how come I couldn't 
erase the memory of his kiss?

"So is he a great kisser?" she asked.

"Wha-at?" I cried out, almost spilling my coffee. 

"Hey it's just a question," she said. She looked too damned composed for me. 
Something's up here. Next thing she would ask me is if I wanted to sleep with 
him.

"It's not like I'm asking you if you wanted to sleep with him!" she said, taking 
in my reaction. See? Close enough. 

I was never a good liar, maybe because I never liked liars. I threw my hands in 
the air in resignation. I leaned across the table and looked sideways if anyone 
was in earshot. This would be very bad for my reputation. I sighed.

"Yes..." I admitted, through gritted teeth.

I saw Ritsuko grin smugly. 

"What's that smile for?"

She just shook her head. 

"Come on," I said pretty irritated already. "Give!"

She laughed. 

"Alright," she said. "I feel that as your friend I should be the one to break 
the news to you..."

My eyebrow rose at that.

"You remember the special class Professor Hara told us about?" 

"Don't tell me, I was the only one who flunked," I muttered. This was not new. 
Professor Hara was our teacher in physical science and biochemistry. He made us 
take a test last week that I answered in thirty minutes mainly because I 
guessed, not that I knew the answer. Science was not exactly my forte so I 
didn't really bother with it much. 

"No," she said. "Actually you passed. You'll be taking the special course in 
physics starting on Monday."

I just gaped at her. 

She laughed.

I came back to earth. "What did you expect? How 'bout you?"

"I passed both physics and chem but I told the Professor that I could only take 
one so I chose bio-chemistry!"

"And leave me alone in that class with a bunch of geeks?" I complained. 

"Correction," she said. "Not a bunch. There are only two of you."

"Okay, a geek then."

"He's not a geek actually," she smiled. "He's Ryouji Kaji!"

***
"Well, well, I thought you aren't going to show up!" The Monster greeted me. He 
was sitting lazily on one of the lab stools; a jacket hung casually over his 
shoulder.

I ignored him completely and sat down as far from him as possible. I looked at 
my watch. Damn! The only time the Professor chose to be late and this had to be 
it. I glanced at him and saw him looking at me, well not really ME coz he was 
looking at my bare legs. 

I flushed and tried to pull at the hemline, much good it did. It must be my 
unlucky week. I was too lazy to do my laundry and when I opened my closet, there 
lay a couple of shirts and *this* skirt - nothing more.

I ripped a page from my notebook and took out my pen. I pretended to write 
something important just so I needed not look at him, but actually I just did 
doodles. Then an idea struck me.

"Hey, didn't know you are an artist," he said from my left.

I gasped and tried to grasp the paper but he beat me into it. He held it up 
above his head while looking at it, making sure I couldn't reach the paper. I 
stood up.

"Give that back!" I warned.

"Why should I?" He grinned, that shit-eating grin. "The model has the right to 
see the artist's work!"

"Give that back!" I repeated.

He peeped at the paper. "Whoa, very accurate drawing you got here. Five horns... 
that makes me horny, right?"

I glared at him. As usual everything he'd say has a sexual connotation. 

"Give that back!" I said for the final time and I lunged at him, grabbing the 
paper from him. 

But then I lost balance and grabbed the nearest thing to me - him.

Shit! I hated to be in this kind of situation. He was holding me close to him in 
an effort to steady me. The scene at the club flashed in my mind, specially the 
part when he kissed me. I groaned inwardly. This was not happening again.

"Ehem!"

We both turned our heads to the owner of the voice.

"Kids," It was Professor Hara. 

"This is only a two hour class so if you don't mind, could you please tell your 
hormones to wait until then?" he said with a wink.

Kaji released me then put an arm around my shoulder. 

"Why sure Professor," he said. "Just make sure its only two hours."

Both the men laughed.

I turned a deep shade of red. I was bursting with anger. I wriggled from Kaji's 
embrace and went back to my seat but not before grinding the heel of my boot on 
his toe. I had the pleasure to see him wince in pain.

He returned to his seat, limping, and before the lecture started, he mouthed to 
me, "later"

I too mouthed my answer, "Not in this lifetime!"
***
"So how's the first week of special physics?" Ritsuko asked as she handed me a 
glass of iced tea.

I groaned, putting my physics book on top of my head. I used to believe that if 
I'd do that, the information from my book would all transfer to my head. I 
prayed it would work this time. 

It had been only a week and we were going to have a test already. I've never 
studied in my whole life as hard as I was doing that time. 

"Aggh!" I cried out. "How could he cram Einstein's relativistic revolution and 
the quantum world of uncertainties in four hours?"

(AUTHOR: we studied the thingies for a total of 7 hours or 5 sessions... i got 
the topics from our syllabus in natsci 1  ^_^;;)

"I wasn't talking about that," she said. "I mean, I was talking about lover-
boy."

My eyes grew dark as she mentioned HIM. 

"Oh him," I said. "Aside from trying to hit on me every session, he manages to 
understand the lessons and even has the audacity to answer the Professor's hard 
questions."

"Which I assume you couldn't?"

I stuck my tongue at her. The book fell down on my lap. I was not going anywhere 
at this rate. But my mind was already protesting after six hours of nonstop 
reviewing. I feared for information overload if I'd continue to study for 
another hour more.

I stood up, stacking my books. 

"Where are you going?" Ritsuko asked.

"I'm going home," I answered.

"You want me to drive you?" she asked. "It's already late."

"Nope," I shook my head. "Thanks anyway. It's not that far and besides walking 
would relax me anyhow."

"Sure?" 

I laughed. "Yes mother hen... why the sudden worry over me?"

She smiled weakly. "It's just that I have this feeling..."

I waved her off, my hand on the doorknob. "It's just a feeling Ritsuko, I'll be 
fine!"

"If you say so," she said. "Ja ne!"

"Ja ne!" I answered as I closed the door behind me.

***
Silly Ritsuko, worrying about me too much. And besides, I've walked this same 
route home at even later than ten o' clock. 

Besides, it was quiet and peaceful. I was right; it was relaxing to walk. I 
think I could study some more when I'd get home... Not!

I accidentally tripped over a stone, which sent me cursing and sending my books 
flying in all direction. I picked them up one by one. 

When I was picking up my binder I heard footsteps behind me. 

"Nice view," a voice behind me said.

I straightened up, and turned around, consciously smoothing my shorts' seat.

"I hoped you enjoyed it," I said with a fake smile. "Pervert!"

It was Hiro, a guy I dated once. He was pretty aggressive on our first date. So 
while trying to get it on with me, I kneed him in the groin in front of lots of 
people and walked out.

I had a feeling it was payback time.  

"That's what I like about you Misato," he said, his three other friends 
snickered behind him. "You tease, you know, make a man want you... but then 
again, you don't finish what you begin."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, though I really knew what he 
was talking about. Gads, I was beginning to get nervous. 

"Get lost," I said, trying to sound calm.

"Not now when I have you all to myself" he said, coming to me. I trembled inside 
as I saw the gleam in his eyes. "Oh, excuse me, I forgot there are four of us. 
But I'm sure you wouldn't mind if we share, right?"

"Shit!" I said, as they came in closer. This was not happening... this was 
not...

"Come on Misato," Hiro said as he grabbed me. "Don't play around now."

I squirmed in his embrace. I averted my face; I could smell the alcohol in his 
breath. I knew self defense, I just needed the right opening.

I willed myself to smile winsomely. 

"Of course," I muttered. "No more games!"
With that, I swept his feet off the ground with my right foot. I heard him fall 
n a loud thud. I didn't bother to look, I just ran.

But his friends followed in pursuit. I turned in a corner, hoping to lose them 
but then...

"Shit," I cried. Not a dead-end!

And in no time at all, they caught up with me.

I screamed.

One of them grabbed me by my waist. He pulled my arms behind my back in a tight 
lock. It hurt a lot. Hiro walked towards me and slapped me across my cheek. The 
attack so hard, that I thought my neck would snap. I felt blood ooze down from 
the side of my lip.

"Not so tough after all," he taunted.

I spat on his face, but he only laughed, wiping it off. Then he pushed me down 
hard, making me sit down on the rough cement.  

Koji, his other friend handcuffed my hands above my head to the rail behind me. 
The two others held my legs down, for I was kicking like hell.

"'You," Hiro said to his friends. "Wait for me in the car. I'll call on you when 
I'm finished."

"Sure," Koji answered as he and the others walk off. "Don't forget to leave 
something for us!"
 
Hiro laughed. 

When they were gone, he looked at me.

"I'd make it sure that you'd pay for humiliating me like that!" he said. 

He licked the blood from my chin and up to my lips. I turned my head aside but 
he yanked at my hair back, forcing me to face him. I could feel his hands grope 
under my shirt. I winced as he squeezed hard at my breasts. 

"My, my..." he said. "I'm impressed."

He kissed me again, this time thrusting his tongue inside my mouth. I bit him. 
Hard.

"Aaaaaagh!" he screamed, pulling back.

I could taste his blood in my mouth. 

"Bitch!" he said, slapping me once again.

"Hey!" 

I looked up to the owner of the voice.

Kaji?

"It's not nice to have sex with another man's girl, Hiro-san!"

Another man's girl? What was he talking about?

"Get lost, Kaji!" Hiro said. "This is not your fucking business."

He seemed to cool, too calm. What was on his mind?

"But it is, you're forcing yourself on my girl!"

Hiro snickered. "Your girl? Man, this bitch is everybody's girl!"

I paled. I was furious to the point that I felt numb. Tears prickled behind my 
eyes. Was that what everybody thought I was?
  
I saw Kaji looked at me. I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't let him see how helpless I 
was. I wouldn't!

"That wasn't very nice you know," he said. This time, there was an edge to his 
voice. It sent shivers down my spine.

"Jeez, cut the crap! If you want, I can let you have a piece of her!"

"Okay," he said.

My eyes went wide. Was that he was driving at? 

"To hell with you Kaji!" I yelled.

He went closer towards my direction... no, he headed towards Hiro. What happened 
after was so fast that I hardly saw what really transpired. The next thing I 
knew was that Kaji was holding Hiro by the collar. In his other hand, he held a 
gun, which he pointed at Hiro's head. 

"Give me the key!" he said.

"Fuck..." Hiro started but changed his mind when Kaji nudged the barrel of his 
gun closer to his temple.

With a trembling hand, he held the key to Kaji's face.

"Now free her," he said.

Hiro fumbled with the key and the cuffs. I glared at him as he did so. When he 
was through, I couldn't help but give him an uppercut. It wasn't enough but it 
gave me the satisfaction of seeing him howl in pain. As he came down, I took his 
hand and cuffed it to the rail. I pocketed the key.

"Mess with me again, and I'll blow your head off!" Kaji warned.

I looked at the two men. I started to walk back, away from the damned place. 

"And don't even bother to scream for help," I heard Kaji say. "Your friends are 
pretty sound asleep."

"Damn you, Kaji!" Hiro screamed angrily.

With wobbly knees, I hurried to walk home. I couldn't face Kaji. Not now...

"Katsuragi!" he said from beside me. "I'll walk you home!"

"Leave me alone!" I said, hurrying all the more. 

"A simple thanks would suffice," he said. 

I stopped on my tracks and faced him.

"Alright," I said. "Thank you... now please go!" I turned but he swung me back 
around.

"What's your problem anyway?" he asked. "Why do you hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you." 

"Then why are you acting like a bitch towards me?"

Silence. 

"Okay," I said through gritted teeth, pushing his hand from his hold on my arm. 
"So I hate you. Will that shut you up?"

For the first time, I saw him control his temper. Well, well, well... he could 
get riled up after all!

"That's bullshit you know!"

"Why are you so sure of yourself?" I returned.

He paused, hesitating.

"I like you okay, I just want to know you well."

Perhaps it was hysteria or the absurdity of his statement, but I started 
laughing... really laughing hard.

"Huh?" I said, as I threw a laughing fit. "You expect me to believe that? Get 
real! You're Kaji, the Playboy. The Skirt-chaser! I'm just your new conquest. 
You don't want to know me, you just want a good lay!"

My laughter died down suddenly as I saw pain flashed quickly in his eyes, but 
just as quickly, it was replaced by its usual roguish gleam. 

"Well," he said. "That's part of it..."

"See..." I said. I wasn't expecting to hear it from him. Damn, it was even more 
surprising to find out that it hurt. 

"Hey wait, I was just joking!"

"Everything's just a joke to you!" I said, almost screaming at him. "You don't 
care how we women feel..."

He smirked. "So now you're being a feminist!"

This was getting nowhere; he was just making me angrier.

"Fuck you Kaji!"

"Alright, fuck me!" he said. Pulling me to him and for the second time since I'd 
known him, he kissed me. 

It was definitely the wrong time. After what happened earlier, I just couldn't 
take how he could just not consider my feelings. He was really a bastard!

I pushed him away, sick at myself for half wanting him to continue... and sick 
at him for playing with my feelings. This time, tears flowed unheedingly down my 
cheeks. 

"Is that what you want? Is that what you want?" I said, my own voice cracking. 
"Alright, you can have it... you want sex? Fine! That's all you want from me... 
all of you! You're no different from them! You just want my body... that's 
all..."

I felt him pull me in his arms once more. His palm, stroking my hair. For a 
while, we stood there... me sobbing in his chest, him holding me silently.

"Shh," he said in a voice so soft, it was almost loving. "Misato... I'm so 
sorry... so sorry."

That brought me back to the real world. I was breaking down before him. I let 
him comfort me... 

But a part of me just wanted to believe him... what if he really does care for 
me?

Dream on, Misato! I'm sure his ego was bursting that he had finally won Misato 
Katsuragi... No, not if I could help it!

"I don't need you," I said stepping back. "You're just one of them!"

"Misato, wait!"

This time I ran, without looking back. As I reached home, before I closed the 
door I was sure I saw him standing at the street corner. 

He followed me to make sure I would be safe.  

My heart lurched... I raised my hand to the cross resting on my chest. He 
reminded me of him... of the one reason why I hated men. 

"Damn you otousan..." I said softly.  "And damn you Kaji for making me feel!" 

*** 
Ichi... Ni... San...

I emerged from the warmth of my bathwater. I stood up, letting the rivulets of 
liquid stream down my body. I reached for my towel and dried myself, before 
donning on my panties and an oversized shirt.
	
I caught my reflection on the bathroom mirror. I found myself staring at him. My 
Mom used to tell me that I was a replica of my father. From my dark blue hair to 
my eyes and lips, everything of mine was his.  But that was all. I made it to a 
point that any resemblance between us would end in the physical aspect. I really 
hated him that much. I had even promised myself that I would never fall in love 
with a guy like him. Or, I would never fall in love with any guy, period.

I blinked my eyes.

I walked back to my  bedroom and sat on the bed. This was my favorite place to 
think. It was then that I scrounged up my past. I started opening the memory 
doors which I had locked at the back of my mind. Perhaps it was time to unlock 
them so I could settle the future. 

Why did I hate him anyway? It wasn't hard to find out why.

Okaasan divorced otousan when I was eight. I remembered that I didn't actually  
blame her when that happened. I meant, one could get lonely when left alone for 
months right? I just couldn't blame okaasan for finding another man. 

***
"It isn't true! It isn't true!" 

I run home, crying. The kids in the playground are bad. They say that I have no 
otousan. It isn't true! I have one! He even gave me a toy last year for my 
birthday. And that's why I'm going home, I'll get my teddy bear and show it to 
them. I'll say that my bear is otousan's gift. Then they won't tease me anymore. 

I stop... isn't that otousan's car?

Yipeee! I jump for joy. Otousan's home! He's finally home! I skip inside our 
house but nobody is in the living room. Maybe he's in okaasan's room. I run 
there... but I stop. I can hear voices... they are otousan and okaasan's! what 
are they talking about? They sound angry... are they angry at me?

: You can't do this to me, Yuri... why?

: Shouldn't you ask that yourself? You just can't expect me to... to... just   
  wait here for you for months without even knowing where you went. Damn it, I 
  was lonely! 

: So lonely that you had to sleep with my brother! And should it be MY 
  brother?

: Because he was there! When I almost went crazy worrying if you'd be back or 
  not, he was there.  He was even more of a father to Misato than you ever was!

: Then perhaps HE is Misato's father.

SLAP! 

I freeze. 

: How dare you? 

: Yes I dare... because who knows?  I was away that time too when Misato was 
born.

SILENCE

What is going on?

: This isn't gonna work anymore. I'm leaving!

: Then leave, go and see if I care.

: Thank god if you don't!

I can hear loud noises. Like when okaasan is angry and she slams the doors. I 
want to know what is happening, but my feet won't move. 

The door opens suddenly. Okaasan comes out. She is crying. Did otousan make her 
cry? She looks at me... she kneels down, hugging me to her. I smile. I like it 
when okaasan hugs me. She feels safe and warm. I hug her back.

"Misato..." she says. "Gomen..."

She stands up and hurries for the door. I can see that she has her very big bag 
with her. 

Otousan steps out of the room. He looks frightening. His hair is like a bird's 
nest and he is frowning like the time he found out that I drew on the papers on 
his table the last time he came home. 

"Aren't you gonna take your trash with you?" he says.

I look around and I can't see any black plastic anywhere. There is no trash, the 
place is clean!

Okaasan stops. "No, she will stay, because you only need to look at her to see 
that she's yours."

And then okaasan was gone.

I look at otousan and he looks at me. I smile at him but he only looks at me. He 
has a weird look on his face. He seems angry. Did I make him angry?

"Where is okaasan going?" I ask.

"Shut up!" he shouts. Otousan looks scary. He kneels down in front of me and 
grabs me, shaking me. Otousan's hurting me! I cry.

"She is not coming back do you hear me? She is not coming back!" he shouts.

Then he releases me and goes back to the room. I stand there, alone. 

***
Later on I found out that she had remarried. No, it wasn't Uncle Goro, dad's 
brother. It was someone else. I remembered that she came back for me after a 
month. Otousan gladly let her take me away. After all, he didn't care if I was 
there or not. During that one month he totally ignored me, letting himself be 
immersed in his work. That was the time when I started feeling animosity towards 
him. I thought that it was his fault okaasan went. There was no qualm about it, 
he was to be blamed for everything.

But then when I was fourteen, okaasan and her husband died in a car crash. I had 
no choice but to live with my otousan once again. I was actually surprised when 
he allowed me to stay with him. Like before, he ignored me and just went on 
doing paperwork. At that time, I had only known that he was a scientist, but 
being never inclined to science, I never cared. I never knew why he would often 
go and would stay away for weeks and even months, until one day he arrived home 
and told me to pack up. We were going to Antarctica.
***
What's with this boring place anyway? We've been here for three months and I'm 
dying of boredom. Fourteen-year-old girls  should be in school, or out with 
their friends shopping, and talking about boys. Not cooped up in a weird 
laboratory in a snow desert! 

And talk about weird clothes. Everyday, I have to put up with wearing this brown 
gown. I wonder if everybody feels the way I do about it, we all have to wear it 
you see. But then, I can't even talk with anyone. Otousan's a hopeless cause. He 
never talks to me unless he has to. Well, I've gotten used to it, so it's not a 
big deal anymore. But that's him. The others are nice to me but they're too busy 
to talk to a kid. Everyone's in some corner either glued to his computer or  
buried under glass tubes. 

At least I have Teddy. I tried to keep him in a box when I turned thirteen, 
having the notion that thirteen is already grown-up. But since I couldn't sleep 
without him, I got him out and I never put him away again. He has been my only 
friend. He keeps me company on a boring day like this. 

I sneak out to my favorite haunt, the lab stairs. I spend most of the day under 
these stairs. I always get cola and some chips from the kitchen plus a paperback 
romance novel that I usually borrow from Dr. Yamada (she's otousan's colleague).

Like right now, I have this one with me. It's entitled "Illicit Affair". The 
cover's a bit lewd so I bet there are lots of steamy parts. I chuckle. If you 
see Dr. Yamada, you won't think that she's the kind who reads erotic novels. 
She's short and she has these large glasses with lenses so thick, they magnify 
her eyes ten times (okay, I'm exaggerating here). You'll imagine her as one who 
reads biology books as a hobby. Can you get what I mean?

Heck, who's there barging in in my little haven? 

I see otousan and Dr. Yamada descending. What are they doing here? I huddle 
back, I don't want them to see me. 

I watch with surprise as otousan pulls Dr. Yamada towards him. Then, they begin 
kissing each other. Suddenly she moves away.
 
:Shuichi, we just can't go on like this. 

I hear her whisper.

:Damn it Midori, I told you not to pressure me. We still have THIS project to 
do.    

:But don't I matter to you? 

Otousan steps back. I can see impatience flare up his eyes.

:You do, but the project is more important than anything else for the moment.

Dr. Yamada starts to cry.

:Now I see why you're wife left you...

:Leave her out of this! 

I grasp hard at the novel in my hands. 

:How can I, when she and this project are the ones between us?

:I said leave her out of this!

Otousan snapped.

She pales, but she faces otousan bravely. 

:All right, I can see that this is not woing to work out anymore.

The same words Okaasan said when she went away.

:It's fine with me, Shuichi...

She stops. She sees me! She sees me through the gaps in the stairs. I see her 
surprise but she just keeps silent about my prescence. She smiles faintly at me. 
I just stare at her, then she continues.

:It's fine with me, Shuichi if we end this here. I won't be just the third on 
your list, the one you go to if you want sex. I don't want to be that anymore. I 
just want you to assure me, that even if its not going to be me that you're 
going to devote your time and attention to, then can it be your daughter? Can 
you please care for Misato?

I freeze as I hear my name. Otousan is silent. What is he thinking? I see his 
fists clench and unclench at his sides. 

I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to hear his answer, not if it's a 
negative one.

"You don't have to, otousan," I say as I get out from my hiding place, flinging 
the book away. I can see that he is shocked that I am here. 

"I don't need your love!" I cry. "I've lived years without it, I'm sure fifty 
more won't be much."

:Misato!

I hear Dr. Yamada gasp.  It is Otousan's turn to pale. He looks like I hit him 
hard. 

:Misato...

He says in a whisper.  Then suddenly...

The earth shakes. 

:Shuichi...!

:Shit, the experiment!

Otousan snatches me. I have no time to react. They both try to climb up the 
stairs. And then something explodes... the three of us are flung to the other 
end of the room. I lose consciousness.

I wake up. The place is dark and unusually hot. I feel like a ton of bricks are 
being banged at my head. There is blood oozing down the side of my temple. I 
moan as I feel pain coming from the wound in my chest. It is very hard to 
breathe.

:Misato...

It is Otousan, he is all bloody and there are gashes of wound on the sides of 
his face. Struggling, he takes me in his arms and carries me. I look up at him 
and sees the determination on his face and something else, which I last saw when 
I was six. Something I had missed since that fateful day. 

Gently, he puts me down this weird coffin-like object. He leaves a necklace with 
a cross pendant in my hand. I know it is a gift from Okaasan before they were 
married. I didn't know he treasured it so much.  

He looks at me one last time and he closes it. I try to raise my hand but I feel 
so weak. I don't know what's happening, but somehow I feel it will be the last 
time I will ever see him again. 
***
And it was. 

I only had an inkling of what really happened. What I knew was it was something 
related to Otousan's experiment. 

I was declared as the only survivor in the place. I was in shock that I had 
aphasia for more than two years. You wouldn't believe it if you would see me 
now.

About Otousan...

I still didn't know how I felt about him. All I knew was that I was angry. And 
my hatred of him just wouldn't go away. Even how hard I tired to convince myself 
that it was he who saved my life, I just couldn't. His last act couldn't erase 
all the hurt I felt while I was growing up. The pain was that deep. Just 
thinking about Okaasan and then Dr. Yamada, just made me grind teeth. I didn't 
think he loved them. Perhaps he cared for them a little, but he never did truly 
love them. How could he, when work always came first to him? His wife and his 
lover were just a poor second, and his daughter a third - if ever I was in his 
priority list. 

So I vowed never to fall in love with any man before, especially a man who 
couldn't love me completely. But what was happening to me now? Was I really 
falling in love with Kaji? If I was not, then why did I feel pain when he only 
seemed to see me as a walking sex doll? Why was it that I couldn't forget his 
kisses? Why was it that it hurt to see him hurting? Why?

I started to cry. Thinking about otousan made me realize one  thing. Just now, I 
had finally decided to accept the fact that I couldn't really blame him for what 
happened. I hadn't forgiven him. Everything  was still too fresh in my mind to 
forget what he did. I still hated him, but at least I tried to face his memory. 

And then there was the subject of Kaji. Would it be a betrayal to myself if I 
would try to work things out with him?

I had tried to analyze my past, and I did and had accepted it. But the present 
was more crucial. Whatever decision I would do now would either make me or break 
me.

And I couldn't think of anything.
***
"Misato, open the fucking door!" 

"Leave me alone," I yelled from under my pillow. 

"Come on Misato, please!" I could hear the desperation in Ritsuko's voice. I was 
tempted to let her in, but I was too emotionally spent to even get up. Misato 
Katsuragi would never cry, but I did. I cried the whole night. By the time dawn 
broke, I had ran out of tears. Now my head ached and my eyes were puffy and 
swollen red.   

I counted to three. I got up slowly, taking my time from disentangling myself 
from the sheets. I opened the door and found Ritsuko standing before me, looking 
like she was ready to knock the door down if I hadn't opened it. 

She took one look at me and suddenly, she embraced me. I just stood there in her 
arms with my hands on my sides. She stepped back.

"I heard what happened," she began. "Hiro was found at one alley, handcuffed. 
Kaji reported the..."

I cringed as she mentioned the name. 

"Please Ritsuko," I said with a sigh. "I don't want to talk about it."

I closed the door behind her and went to the kitchen to find beer in the fridge. 

Ritsuko saw the can in my hand when I re-entered my room.

"Beer?" she asked. "Since when did you start drinking alcohol early in the 
morning?"

"Just now," I answered, tearing the tab. I took a sip and grimaced at the bitter 
taste.

"Look," Ritsuko said as she sat down on my bed. "If I had just insisted on 
taking you home last night, this wouldn't have happened."

"Leave it Ritsuko," I said coldly. I could see that I hurt her with that remark. 
But I just didn't want to talk about what transpired.

"Shit," I said, running my hand through the wild nest of my hair. "Gomen 
nasai... I shouldn't have said that."

It was Ritsuko's turn to sigh. 

"No, it's okay," she said with a small smile. "I should've noticed that you're 
still in shock."

Just then, the phone rang. I looked at her and she understood.

"Moshi moshi... Yes?" she said, turning towards me. "She's still asleep, but 
I'll tell her as soon as she wakes up. Hai... Arigatou." 

"Who was that?" I asked as soon as Ritsuko put down the phone.

"The police," she said. "They wanted you to go to the station to answer some 
questions."

"I see," I said quietly. I stared at the beer can in my hand and watched as 
water beads trickled down my finger. I lay the beer on the side table and stood 
up.

"I'm sorry about this," I said to my friend, laying a hand on her shoulder. "But 
as soon as I gather my wits, I'll tell you everything. For now, there is 
something I need to ask of you."

"Sure," she agreed, perhaps glad that she could help in some little way. "Could 
you tell Professor Hara about what happened... I don't think I can take the exam 
today."

"No need to worry about that," she said. "I guess all the teachers know about it 
by now. And I doubt Prof. Hara would let you anyway. He'd understand."

Everybody knew about it now, huh? So much for tough-girl Misato. 

"Well then," I said. "I'll just take a shower. I'll be going to the station."

"Are you sure you're up to it?" she asked.

I nodded grimly. Was I up to it? No, actually, but I just wanted it to get over 
and done with. 

"I'll drive you," Ritsuko offered as she started putting some order to my 
things. Ritsuko had always been the neater one. I used to call her Mrs. Clean 
since she never liked to see clutter, and calling my clutter 'clutter' would be 
an understatement. 

"Thanks," I said as I disappeared behind the bathroom door.   

***
Two hours later, I sat silently on the passenger seat of the cab. Ritsuko had a 
class and I persuaded her not to cut it so just she could accompany me.  

That wasn't too bad. I mean, it wasn't exactly harrowing. I had always watched 
police interrogations on TV, and they would always be in a small dark room with 
just a very dim light. But then again, I was the victim and they just asked me 
for a statement. Did I send Hiro to jail? No, I didn't think he was worth it and 
I didn't think he'd bother me again.

After the visit to the police, we went to the university office. The big people 
wanted to talk to me. After informing me that Hiro and his friends were expelled 
from the university, they asked if I was okay and if I needed medical assistance 
or whatever. They told me about the therapy they thought I needed, that I could 
file for a leave of absence if I wanted to, and all that crap. I said thanks but 
no thanks. I said I could handle everything. Anyway, why should I waste a sem 
when all I would do is sit on some shrink's couch to talk about "what's 
bothering me."

What really bothered me were the other people. It was like I had become an 
overnight star. I received different reactions from them as Ritsuko and I walked 
in the campus. Some of them looked at me with pity and some with plain 
curiosity. When we decided to have a cup of coffee in the diner, I even 
overheard a bunch of girls talking about me. They were actually gloating. They 
thought I deserved what happened to me. I went pale, my fists balled 
automatically at my sides. Ritsuko practically had to restrain me from punching 
their noses. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I just thought of the kick 
they would get out of riling me up.

We never had our coffee, I went home.

"Just pull over there please," I said to the driver as we reached my place. I 
paid him and got out.  

I was surprised to find the gate open. Now what? I took out the Swiss knife from 
my bag and readied it, just in case it was another guy looking for trouble. And 
then I noticed a bag on my front door step. I looked inside, in it were my books 
and binder, plus a note. I unfolded the paper and read its contents:

"I brought you your things. I wanted to talk to you but you weren't home. I'm 
sorry."

I crumpled the paper in my hand and clutched it so hard; I could feel the 
wrinkled lines on my palm. I sat on the step and looked at the bag.

I couldn't help but feel relieved when I found out that he came and we didn't 
meet. I didn't think I could stand seeing him. Up to now, I was still mulling 
over whether I should give in to what I feel or what my mind was telling me. I 
hated it when I couldn't make decisions. It made me feel vulnerable. 

I stood up, still debating with myself silently. I got in the house with the bag 
in hand. I learned that Prof. Hara postponed the test, but he was going to give 
it tomorrow. Better to get things done and over with. 

I sighed. I got my notebook from inside the bag and prepared to review.
***
"Hey, are you sure you want to take the test?" Ritsuko asked as she picked me up 
that morning.

"Yes lady-chauffeur," I said, attempting to make a joke which didn't sound like 
one. "You know Ritsuko, you shouldn't pamper me like this, I could get used to 
it. And besides, what would the other say, that Tough-Girl-Misato has a nanny?"

Ritsuko was silent. Then she said quietly without her eyes straying from the 
road, "Others may think you're tough, but I know you Misato. You're as 
vulnerable as the next person."
I stared at the road. 

"And what are you trying to say?" I asked her.

"Nothing," she shrugged, turning in a corner. "Sometimes, it would help if you 
let down that tough-chick fa‡ade. I know that thinking of what others' may think 
isn't your principle in life, but still it wouldn't hurt to let them know the 
real you."

I looked at her. She knew me too well. I must admit having a friend on whom I 
don't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't, was refreshing.
 
"I know you mean well," I said.  But it's hard for me to just drop everything  
all together. All my life I felt like I had to prove myself, that I don't need 
to depend on anyone. And it sucks, but I can't seem to think of anything else to 
do."

"That's why you hated it when Kaji rescued you?"

Ouch, she hit me bull's eye. I smiled.

"Yes."

"You're falling in love with him aren't you?"

I felt the smile melt away. 

"Honestly I don't know," I said with a shrug. "You know me, we share the same 
sentiments about love. It's only that you swore men off your life forever. Me? 
Everytime a guy comes too close, I hold him off. But it doesn't mean that I'm 
totally numb. It's just easier to dump them because I don't feel anything for 
them other than casual attraction. But with Kaji, I don't know. Instead of me 
having a hold on him, it's more of like the other way around... and we aren't 
even in good terms with each other yet."   

She chuckled. 

"So in effect, you're telling me that you're in love with him?"

"Maybe, maybe not."

"I say you are," she insisted.

"Fine!" I said with a sigh. 

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Me?" I asked incredulosuly. "Nothing! I don't trust this feeling. I'm still 
contemplating whether to go with my heart or with my mind. I'm really confused. 
I'll just take each day as it comes and see what it brings."

Suddenly, I felt her hand on my forehead.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked jokingly. "I believe that's the most 
rational thing you've said ever since I've known you, Ms. Impulsiveness."

"Hey!" I said, playfully swatting her hand off. "You started this!"

"So desu," she said with a smile.
***
It felt like a hundred years. I never thought it could feel that long to walk to 
my class. People were still staring and I wanted to tell them to fuck off. But 
what would that accomplish? Nada.

I walked hurriedly towards the physics lab, I was already ten minutes late. When  
I got there, Prof Hara  was already handing out Kaji his paper. 

"So you decided to show up," the Professor said as he saw me enter the room. "I 
wasn't expecting you to. I hope you're all right."

"I'm fine sir," I said as I sat down on my seat. I glanced at Kaji but he was 
already answering the test.

Professor Hara gave me the questionnaire and the answer sheet. He wished me 
luck. I took a deep breath and prepared to answer.

After an hour, I was finished. It wasn't exactly that hard, and I was relatively 
confident with most of my answers. I gave the Professor my papers. I got out of 
the room slowly. Kaji was still answering. 
***
I looked at my watch, it had been twenty minutes since I had gotten out of the 
room. I stubbed the remains of my second cigarrette. When was he coming out?

"Were you waiting for me?"

I looked up. It was him.

I took a deep breath. 

"As a matter of fact, yes."

"I'm sorry," he said, not looking at me. "I don't have time to chat now. I still 
got a class."

Damn, I began to lose courage.

"Please Kaji," I said, taking hold of his arm. "I, I just want to thank you for 
saving my ass the other night."

"Is that all?" he asked. His hand took hold of mine which was holding him and 
gently placed it on my handbag. "Look, it's okay."

"No you don't," I said. "I also want to say sorry about what happened afterwards 
and even for those other times... you know what I mean."

He sighed, closed his eyes then leaned against the wall. I watched him do so. 
Then suddenly he smiled, and opened an eye. 

"Katsuragi, if I were you, I wouldn't apologize," he said. "It doesn't suit you, 
Your High-and-Mightiness!" 

Then he bowed mockingly before me.

Anger started to generate in me. This man was impossible!

He laughed as he saw me control my temper,then stopped. This time, he was 
smiling genuinely but still the roguish glint in it was unmistakeable. 

"Hey, I was just joking. As I said, it's no big deal. And I want to say sorry 
too. I guess, I was taking the wrong approach."

THIS was a new Kaji and I didn't know how to act around the guy when he was in 
Considerate Mode. 

"So," he said. "Is this a truce?"

I was surprised. Would I go as far as that? What the heck...

"Hai!" I said, shaking the hand which he offered me.

"Well, then how about a drink?"  he said.

I gave him the ol' evil eye. 

"I don't think I would go that far yet!" I said.

He just shrugged. 

"Well, fine then," he said and he began to strode off. "Maybe next time 
Katsuragi, ja!"

I followed him with my eyes and I smiled despite myself. 

"We'll see," I said aloud.
***
FROM THE ONLY ENTRY IN KATSURAGI MISATO'S DIARY CIRCA 2005

Dear Diary (shish this is cheesy)... 

Hey yo!--> now that's better!

Two weeks and the news about my case died down - spiff! Like smoke. Some of the 
people are still wary of me but I don't care anymore. I have so much more 
important things to do rather than let my mind dwell on such superficial a 
subject. Well aside from that, life is almost peachy. I passed the exam (by two 
points), which isn't bad if you would copnsider the state of mind I had when I 
took the test. Of course, Kaji's performance was well... let me not write about 
it.

Ritsuko is rather busy these past few days. Biochemistry is a lot harder than 
simple physics and I can almost thank my own stupidity for not being in that 
class. But then again, I can't say I have no brains because I am in the special 
physics class right?

Okay, I'll stop this idiot blabbering. I know I am just stalling so I won't 
answer questions. Nope, me and Kaji aren't going out. Like I said, "treat every 
day as it comes!" And so far, all we would do is say hello if we would cross 
paths, but other than that, nothing. But I tell you, he stopped hitting on me 
and our current relationship (if you could call that) is a lot better and less a 
pain in the ass, than what we had before. So cheers to that!

Speaking of, ever since I started drinking beer that morning, I can't seem to 
stop. Its like a substitute for coffee. Ritusko is frowning at me and my bad 
habits but I guess, old habits and even newly acquired  ones die hard. So I 
smoke and now, I drink!

By the way, I am still in askew with my past, and I had no plans to resolve it 
in the near future. That very emotional week had drained me of every ounce of 
life I had in me. So much I tell you, that even now I can't go out. I lack the 
energy to party and I miss my Friday nights out. Even if they were stag... 
bummer.

Gee whiz, look at the time! Kay got to stop writing now, my armpit aches and 
besides my throat is parched and I need to get a beer.

Heck, I think this will be my last entry. I'm beginning to get too deep, I can't 
even understand myself.

So this is it then, adios! Fare-you-well! Au revoir! Paalam! Ja ne!

Still in need of a sex life,
Misato
 
*TSUZUKU*